All the lonely people
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: They had settled down everything, maybe a bit too quickly. WK fic.
1. June 2003

_**All the lonely people**_

_**Where do they all belong?**_

**The Beatles  
**

June 2003

It had always been clear. Since the day he had made his odd, awkward proposition to the exact moment he had closed the door behind him _ a couple of seconds earlier _ she had known that it would happen. There hadn't been any lie, any promise either. As a matter of fact the plan had been settled down with an impressive if not scaring meticulousness. She had only followed it, logically enough after having accepted. Perhaps at some point the idea had crept to her mind in an attempt to spread some anxious wonders and then set off sleepless nights but she had postponed it, over and over as if they would always have time.

And there she was.

Cries in the background, baby cries; reluctantly her gaze abandoned the blank contemplation of the door and she stood up as by automatism.

She was in shock, frightened, desperate, tensed; alone.

Her legs carried her to the bedroom but as her fingers grabbed the doorknob, she stopped, halfway in her movement. She knew she had to go inside. She knew she had to try, find a way to ease her child's cries; no mattered she had no idea how. Maybe that was what motherhood looked like, a sort of blurry page of doubts and incoherence where her feelings _ the baby's sorrow was breaking her heart into pieces _ seemed to get lost in the rules of conventionalism. And all of a sudden the advices she had taken time to read during the nine months of her pregnancy were dancing in front of her eyes, twirling around in her head; laughing at the way she had thought it would be alright.

But what if it finally didn't work out?

She opened the door, made a few steps in the nursery. A light smell of paint was still perceptible in spite of the baby powder that had subtly invaded the room a couple of hours earlier; and the wooden furniture, the little person crying in the crib.

She had always hated novelty.

After the bohemian, unstructured childhood she had had to bear, she had really thought that she would be able to face any kind of change. But it was nothing compared to maternity, all the meanings the concept owned.

And when other women were thrilled about it, Karen simply felt sad.

The light was dimmed, a pale sun passing through the curtains; caressing the furniture in a golden arch. She bent over, made a face. Her body was still recovering and the sensations she was getting were strange. Her legs were heavy; her stomach tensed. A constant pain was sending chills up her spine from her lower back but the worst was her heart: completely empty and full of emotions at the same time.

"What's happening, honey?"

She took a deep breath before passing her hand between the baby's legs going up to the nape. She had listened carefully to the nurse's advices at the hospital, tried a thousand times; thought she had been ready. But now nobody was by her side to tell her if she was doing right and it was scaring because she was responsible of someone else's life.

She wasn't allowed to make it bad.

Very slowly she lifted her daughter and placed her in her arms.

"You're hungry, aren't you? Let's see what I can do for you…"

She turned around, her eyes scanning the room in search of a bib. She was sure she had left it there previously but it was nowhere to be seen. Instinctively her voice hit the air.

"Will, have you seen…"

Her words got suspended. She passed her tongue over her lips as if to make a bitter logic disappear. She smiled.

He had just left.

Her heart began to beat faster in spite of the deep despair embracing it. She blinked, pushing back the tears in a dry, safe place; so far from her eyes. As if her discomfort had reached the new-born, the cries became louder. Karen looked down, remorseful.

"Oh no… It's okay honey. It will just be the two of us; just you and me. And you will see, we will get through it."

She went back to the living-room and sat down on the couch. She forgot about the chronology of a breast-feeding session and didn't position herself properly. Her arm started weighing, her lower back aching but she didn't dare to move now the baby was clutched to her; quiet.

June Walker Truman was a healthy baby. She was born at four in the morning on June, 6th at Saint Luke's Hospital; just four days before Karen was due. The labor had been long, painful and exhausting but in spite of the fear to fall into some ridiculous, common motherly statement, at the exact moment the midwife had put her daughter on her chest and she had heard her cries, Karen had forgotten all the rest.

The fact was that from the very instant she had felt her first contractions to the exact morning when she had come back home with her child, she hadn't been alone at all. There had always been someone by her side; if not Will then Jack, Grace or Leo. She had got a visit from Marilyn and George, her own mother had called her from Asia and between the constant medical checkups to the first childcare lessons, the days had passed extremely fast.

But now everything was so calm, so empty.

She looked all around and swallowed hard. The baby moved. Karen smiled at her and planted a soft kiss on the top of her head; whispered.

"Yes, we will get through it."

Will had wanted to spend the night over but she had insisted that he needed to get some sleep. He would come the next morning. After all it was exactly the kind of plan they had wanted.

But as much as their choice had been carefully settled down, they had forgotten something very important in the process: her own feelings.

Because when Will had closed the door of her flat and left, Karen had understood how maternity was hard when you were so lonely.


	2. January 2003

January 2003:

"I'm pregnant."

She looked at him and smiled almost apologetically. A vague ounce of life seemed to find out a resonance in his suspended gesture; the way his hand was still holding the glass of wine. But his face had become distorted and his features had deepened. In a word he had frozen, taken aback by the awkward revelation.

A heavy silence began to weigh on them and she stared down at her napkin then moved uncomfortably on her chair. There was nobody to blame but her at the end. She had waited for too long to announce her situation. It wasn't fair towards the man sat down in front of her but the truth was that she had been too scared to say the slightest thing before.

And now it was too late.

An idea, anything; she had to speak again and break the sudden coldness that her confession had spread over her date. Her throat tightened. She bit the inside of her mouth. The taste of failure had reached her lips, bitterly. She would come back home alone, one more time.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin…"

"You didn't, Karen. I'm just very surprised; that's all."

He took her hand in his and pressed it softly but she knew that he was lying, exactly like the previous ones. Once she revealed that within five months now she would have a baby, their gazes changed towards her as they subconsciously put some distance between them and her person.

"May I ask about the father?"

Classic question; they always ended up asking enquiries about her relations with the other one, the mysterious man she obviously wasn't dating, for whatever reason. As a matter of fact she wondered if they were scared by the idea she might have been using them for some one-night stand. She had thought once that men would have been thrilled to meet someone ready for a purely sexual encounter but time was passing by, as well as her numerous dates.

She had been wrong about them.

"The father is a friend of mine; a very good friend. We have never been romantically involved. We're just having a child together."

She felt like adding that there was nothing to worry about but she thought that it would have sounded pitiful if not sad. So she always stopped at that point and waited for a reply. Most of the times it was when she knew if she still was allowed to hold some hopes or not about an eventual night in her date's arms.

It had been so long since the last time.

"Did I tell you that I was leaving for Brasilia? An important meeting; you know, those professional imperatives."

She raised an eyebrow, pretending to be interested but she had got his message very clearly. She took a sip of water, swallowed hard; rolled her eyes. She couldn't even have a proper drink to forget about the emptiness of her sexual life.

Curiously enough she had never really believed that her pregnancy would stop men to go towards her or at least not as long as she wasn't showing. But very soon she had realized that it only worked if she remained quiet over the baby. Alluding to it seemed to provoke a radical change of perception in their heads and they didn't look at her as a woman anymore but as a mother. And so they left then, with more or less delicacy, without even touching her back; not the slightest kiss.

She wanted to be frank even though she wasn't looking for a serious relationship. It would explain the extreme sensitivity of her breasts and in the worst of the cases, the unexpected morning sickness. Besides, she wasn't ashamed; on the contrary. Since she had got the positive results of her blood sample, a veil of pride had wrapped up her heart and even though she wasn't the kind of person who would shout it to the whole world, it was still something she liked talking about.

Giving life to someone; for the very first time Karen seemed to have found a purpose to her existence and she felt light, happy.

With her typical stubbornness she had kept on disagreeing with Jack, with Grace. Will was always quiet by then but her other friends' comments were enough to bring balance to his absence of reply. Everyone seemed to think that pregnant, single women tended to scare men.

Four months had already passed by and she had understood who had been right in the first place.

The rest of the dinner flew away in an obvious strong discomfort and as she stepped out of the restaurant and he hailed a cab for her, she knew that he wouldn't follow her, even less accept any kind of offer. Times had changed and the day men were begging on their knees to get the slightest thing from Karen had ceased to be once and for all.

The taxi drove off. She waved a vague goodbye then leaned her head against the window of the car. She wasn't sad, only frustrated. She wasn't used to be turned down and the novelty of such situation troubled her mind a lot more than what she had expected.

They hit Broadway. She grabbed her cell phone and sent Will a message.

_Going back home… Anything good on television?_

Within a minute his reply arrived. She couldn't help but smile, happy that at least one person didn't push her away that night.

_Date's already over? Do you want me to come?_

_No need to… I'm tired anyway; just might as well fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed. Good night, honey._

_See you tomorrow; don't forget, at three._

If there was something that Karen had learned about Will lately, it was the way he never gave into romantic things; barely sweet gestures. He cared about her and the baby, she knew it. But his words never reflected any of his feelings; as if their heat got lost between his heart and his mind. Then he didn't dare to express anything.

Exactly like her...

The emotional heritage they were about to give to their child was poor, bare. An ironic, light sigh escaped from her lips.

She paid the fare, climbed the few steps leading to her flat, turned the lights on, locked the door behind her and sat down on the couch of the living-room. The place was quiet, as usual. But what she had taken as an advantage at the beginning seemed to slowly turn into a dark, heavy atmosphere.

She grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around her frame. Her hand stopped on her stomach; nothing. It might not have been as flat as it used to but it was hard to guess about her pregnancy yet.

The only proof that Karen had of it for the moment was her extreme loneliness; a growing despair.


	3. September 2003

September 2003:

His gestures were perfect and it got on her nerves. After four months of practice, she could say that she wasn't a novice anymore in the art of motherhood but Will owned something more; the natural feelings of it. Where she had to make effort after effort _ ignoring the slight panic that she might hurt her daughter by inadvertence _ his easiness made her green with envy and she felt sad, all of a sudden; not incapable but not that talented either.

"She doesn't like the sound of television in the morning. As a matter of fact, she hates waking up so the trick is to take her in your arms and rock her peacefully until she connects back with reality by herself."

He wasn't listening. In spite of the fear to sound like a typical, traditional mother, she rolled her eyes and sighed; hands on her hips, obviously exasperated. But one more time they had won over her as soon as she heard June giggle.

It had turned into an odd, irrepressible mechanism. Yet at the hospital something like that had happened. She had heard of it previously and how mothers said that they could recognize their children's cries without the slightest problem but she had always imagined that it was pure fantasy, a sort of necessary gesture of motherly attention. But then her turn had showed up and she had experienced it too. Her daughter's voice was unique, as well as the connection they were sharing and when she heard her giggle whatsoever, Karen's heart simply melted.

"Let's go to the park now she's awake."

Will hurried out of the nursery that had been once Grace's bedroom with his daughter in his arms.

Karen looked at them, didn't move. Will and the baby got along very well in spite of the fact they didn't live together. June was accustomed to her flat; all her references were there. But for some reason as soon she was in Will's arms, the world seemed to look better.

Could she make a distinction, at such an early age, between Jack and Will? Did she have the capacities to understand who her father was? Karen was just afraid that everything would get mixed in her daughter's head at some point. The baby's life was far from being conventional so maybe it wasn't that good at the end and more or less soon they would all have to face the problem.

They weren't really different from a divorced couple though. They simply had never slept together, barely kissed; once for New Year's Eve but they were drunk.

She followed them in the living-room and grabbed her bag, left the flat; called the elevator.

Perhaps they had been a bit too selfish in the conception of this baby. She didn't regret June's presence at all, on the contrary. She was just worried that their life style could damage her daughter's childhood; somehow.

"Don't put her on the slip-and-slide, okay? She's only four months. There's no need to break her arm or anything like that."

His eyes fell on her and she looked down, almost ashamed by her statement. They stepped out of the building in an awkward silence and crossed Riverside Drive.

"Where is her pacifier?"

Will bent over and looked in the stroller. His features had suddenly deepened. It made her smile then feel ashamed. How could she be delighted by someone's minor panic?

"She doesn't need one except when she falls asleep. You know that she doesn't ask for it…"

"Yes but I hope we didn't forget it upstairs."

"There's another one in the bag, with all her items."

Since the day of her birth, Will had seen his daughter every day, stopping by after work or meeting them for lunchtime. On weekends Karen used to come over to his flat and the baby had her naps in the nursery. She had never complained about the fact that the furniture weren't the usual ones; that her bed didn't smell the same or that the color of the walls had another shade. Did she only realize that she had been transferred to another house?

Obviously not and it broke Karen's heart.

They passed the gates of Riverside Park. Grace was there with Leo and Jack, waiting on a bench, obviously in full conversation. Will waved at them and they stopped speaking, looked up and smiled.

"So today is the big day, Karen? How does it feel like to be so close to a complete freedom?"

She bit the inside of her mouth and swallowed hard. For her highest relief her friends were focalized on the baby.

"It's grand, Leo. It's grand."

No, it was a nightmare and she was scared to death.

She didn't worry about Will. As a matter of fact she trusted him more than herself when it came to June's safety, as pitiful as it could sound. The problem was different, quiet enough because she didn't like the pain it would stir up. She had been living it for nine months and she wasn't ready at all to face it back so soon.

The fact was that even if moments of distress had shown up since the baby's birth, at least Karen had had someone by her side; twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Chaotic enough her existence had however decided to come back to life slowly and she had begun to enjoy every single second of it. Sometimes it was hard, almost unbearable. She had stopped counting the times she would have wished nothing but to come back in time and turn down Will's offer to have a baby with him. But then June smiled, giggled, and all her doubts vanished.

Four months had passed by and the truth was that she had grown addicted to her child. Her life was pointless without the presence of the baby and tonight for the very first time June would spend the night with her dad. Karen knew that when she came back to her own flat, she would be sad if not empty.

She pretended for the rest of the afternoon but as soon as she closed the door of her apartment behind her and sat on the couch of her living-room, the dreadful sentiment jumped on her throat more burning than ever.

Like a labyrinth where she had thought to see the light of the exit, she was trapped again in the intricate paths; her lonelines laughing loudly at her for having believed that she would ever escape from what looked like her own real condition.

The phone rang. She picked it up.

"June and I just wanted to say goodnight."

Will's voice slid along her ear, ran through her veins to finally reach her heart. She smiled.

"Goodnight…"


	4. March 2003

March 2003:

She could feel it come. Something happened in her body, a strange sensation and she knew that it would only be a matter of seconds then. At the beginning she had dreaded those interactions. The idea that someone could grow inside of her was disturbing but yet acceptable as long as the human being stayed still. But then the baby had started moving and it had made her feel sick when most of women used to say how it was supposed to be unique.

One more reason to feel in the way; again

Time passed by. She still didn't like it.

His hand jumped, carried more by an effect of surprise than the real strength of the kick. Just a small bump; it hit her flesh then rebounded on Will's. His brown eyes searched for her hazel ones, he smiled. A radiant light spread over his face. It made her feel bad, guilty for not experiencing the same.

"It's just incredible…"

Will leaned up on his elbows and concentrated back on her swollen stomach. An instinctive shiver ran down her spine as his fingertips brushed her skin; she swallowed hard.

"How is it?"

Dreadful question when she was supposed to be all smiles while actually scared to death; extremely uncomfortable. Another kick came up. She made a face and bit her lower lip. Why did the baby have to move so much?

"It's weird."

Her lack of enthusiasm didn't pass unnoticed at all and very soon Will sat up next to her on the bed. He looked worried.

"Is everything okay, Karen?"

"Sure, honey…"

But she turned her face around and stared at the wall, trying to swallow back her shaking, ridiculous voice.

"Please tell me what's happening. Don't stay quiet like that. We're going through it together… Karen, your silence is breaking my heart."

The problem with Will was that she always wondered if he was sincere. She trusted him more than anyone but for some reason his words didn't always sound right to her ears.

"I might feel a little lonely… At night…"

She looked down at her body and began to play with one of the buttons of her dress. She was nervous, ashamed. Confessions had always caused her to vanish in a steam of shyness for whatever reason she couldn't explain. It was frustrating, harsh.

"Why didn't you tell me about it earlier? You know I can stay here as long as you want and you can stop by my flat at any moment. I don't want you to feel sad and even less lonely because you're not, Karen. And…"

"I wasn't referring to this kind of presence. I have always had someone by my side and all of a sudden, everything turns upside down. I get pregnant and there's no man; nobody anymore. I don't have any reference left right now."

The heat had rushed to her cheeks and her mouth was dry. If she hadn't been six-month pregnant, she would have got up immediately and run away from her bedroom to find a secure place far from Will's eyes. But she was stuck there, a few inches away from him.

"This is not a vain cause, you know."

Her heart speeded up its race; she turned around and stared at him in disbelief. One, two, three; a few seconds flew away. She blinked, speechless.

And all of a sudden his lips were on her neck, tracing a path of light kisses down her throat. The contact was burning like an odd, faded reminiscence that would have wrapped up her soul oppressively for it having dared to think that it would never happen again. The heat of someone against her own skin and the breath, hot; she closed her eyes.

The dress loosened. He was unbuttoning it, replacing the fabric by a kiss. A teasing hand barely touched her breasts; she smiled, arched her back. His mouth arrived on her stomach, her hand slid through his hair but instead of pulling him to her, she pushed him away then shook her head.

"No!"

Incredulous, Will stared at her but didn't say a word. She rolled on her side, this time making the effort to get up in a poor, late attempt to escape from his touch. She left the room.

They never spoke about it, never made the slightest allusion to whatever had happened that day. Will kept on visiting her but everything remained centered on their child and what their life would like once Karen gave birth, in June. There were so many things to think about, so many plans twirling in their heads. Concentration, fake ignorance; at the end it was supposed to be the same.

Had she actually really wanted him anyway?

She hadn't thrown herself in this story without thinking about it twice. It had taken her days before finally nodding to his request to have a child. But she had never imagined that loneliness would be a large part of her new life.

And she hated that.

"Am I pretty?"

"Even more than you used to be…"

Jack planted a kiss on her temple but it lacked reassurance. She felt empty, awkwardly unbalanced. Nothing sounded right anymore. Perhaps it was a hormonal trick and it would come back as soon she would hold her baby in her arms but there was this tiny thing _ invisible sensation over her heart _ and for whatever reason Karen was sure that she would never be again a part of someone's life.


	5. July 2002

July 2002:

Everything seemed to stop, just like that as if someone had snapped and decided to make the scene freeze. The music would have vanished, the glasses would have put an end to their endless choking while the conversations _ laughter, exclamations _ would have simply been suspended. As a matter of fact, she wouldn't have been surprised if she had turned around to face a thousand human statues. Because it was exactly what she had just lived, the way her heart had bumped against her chest a bit too hard before disappearing from her body.

It hadn't been a joke. The seriousness of his features had stolen her amused smile, buried the mischievous sparkle in her eyes and she had sobered up a bit too quickly, wishing nothing but to get another drink. She felt dizzy.

"Take your time, you…"

"Have you lost your mind?"

She settled further in her chair, looked down apologetically. She had used a very harsh tone of voice when it hadn't been needed at all. Someone laughed in the background; Grace's mother.

"Consider it. Please, Karen, consider it."

She had always had a thing for his eyes and the way his gaze never tried to escape from yours as soon as he stared at you. He seemed honest, too much perhaps.

"And why would I do that?"

An ironic laugh slid quietly on her lips. She shook her head and looked aside. He probably had no idea of her past. Even after they had met, her existence with Stanley had remained extremely intimate, personal. She wasn't the kind of person who would have revealed every single detail anyway.

But he would have never dared to ask such a thing if he had known; never.

"For you, for me… It's not some impulsive craziness of my mind. I've been thinking about it for a very long time to be honest."

Her eyes widened. Now she was panicked.

For some reason it never came to Karen's mind that people could actually have a thought for her, even less that she could be part of their plans. She only passed by their lives, vaguely stopped for a while but vanished almost immediately, swallowed by the depths of some bad memory. She wasn't made to remain in someone's mind, even less in his heart.

"Do you have… I mean, do you have any special feeling for me? Why did you choose me? I don't understand. I'm not really the first choice men would make in such circumstances."

"You weren't my first choice. Grace was."

At the call of her friend's name, Karen turned her head. Her eyes caught up the whiteness of Grace's wedding dress, the smile on her face. Leo was by her side.

"So am I the result of your despair?"

"No, you're the sign I've always been waiting for."

The remark made her blush; her heart speeded up its pace. It sounded like an old flirt _ rocked by the band playing in the background _ that in spite of having faded away would always survive the wind of the years, the changes. His words had touched her; a lot more than what she would have accepted to recognize.

"You don't have to give me an immediate answer. As a matter of fact, I want you to take your time. All I can say is…"

Will rolled his eyes, sighed then bent over the table; his eyes searching for hers. She stayed still, like hypnotized.

"All I can say is that you're my last chance and I'm probably yours too since you and Stan…"

The way he avoided to clearly mention her upcoming divorce got on her nerves. She appreciated Will for his honesty and the way he always chose the truth upon a veil of lies; no mattered how painful the result could be. But his words getting lost in suspension disappointed her. She just didn't show it.

"But what if…"

She didn't have any question, any argument to bring up. In a precarious movement she grabbed the bottle of Champagne put down on the table and poured some in a glass; sipped it.

"I've spent most of my time screwing up people's life. You must be mad to ask me to carry on your child."

"Our child; and no, I'm not. You're the perfect woman."

"You're drunk."

He smiled but refused to enter her game. It was vain and childish but she couldn't help it, even after what he had just said to her.

The tension became too strong. She stood up quickly, getting curious gazes from the table next theirs then headed straight to the main stairs that led to her bedroom. The wedding was far from being over and she passed completely unnoticed.

He didn't go after her, never mentioned again his unexpected offer. Grace left on her honeymoon and their routine suddenly broke. They lost their dynamism; she looked for basic references, just in case she would crash, fall down or fail.

Two months later she stopped by his flat, around midnight. It had been raining the whole day and a vapor seemed to have spread all along the asphalt in a blurry embrace with the ground. He opened the door, looked at her.

"Please accept my apologies if it doesn't work out."

A timid smile played on her lips as she shrugged but all of a sudden he took her in his arms. She burst out laughing, relieved; carried on by a couple of dreams.


	6. February 2004

February 2004:

"Here they are!"

She smiled at Grace but her eyes searched for Will's. Her heart was pounding loud, too much against her chest and it hurt; unless she was only having a bad feeling. After all he had left without any note, without waking her up.

She dropped June in Jack's arms and went straight to the kitchen. He hadn't looked up as she had entered his flat, not even the slightest second of attention towards his daughter. He was avoiding her; her throat tightened.

She leaned against the countertop and contemplated falsely the floor. He was turning his back at her, obviously busy with some cooking book. She bit her lower lip, shrugged to nobody in particular. The exhilaration coming from Jack and Grace having fun with June was contrasting sharply with the silence floating above their heads in the tiny kitchen. It made her feel uncomfortable.

"So you…"

"Hey how come I didn't have a hug from my favorite little girl?"

She couldn't help but jump as he cut her mid-sentence and left the kitchen without a single gaze at her. He crossed the living-room, took June in his arms and Karen clenched her fists tight. Her breath turned short, painful.

She didn't feel hurt, no; only destroyed.

The fact was that it had never happened before. Everything was upside down. She was the one who took the decisions, who went away and broke hearts; not the other way. The worst of all was that the consequences of such a coward behavior _ if not disrespectful at all _ had never crossed her mind. She had never imagined what the morning after looked like for the ones who had been left behind; people she might cross again at some point in her life but she would pretend that nothing had happened, that nothing had changed.

She felt empty, almost shameful before Will's reaction.

"Did she sleep well?"

All of a sudden she realized that Jack and Grace were staring at her, waiting for an answer. She passed a hand through her hair before nodding slowly, absent-mindedly.

"Yes, yes… She did; no teething."

He had smiled, huddled against her; a warm smile. How could he have left like that? Her fingers caressed her stomach. She felt dirty, too sad to burst into tears. Anyway she couldn't do that.

"Do you mind if June stays here tonight? Some friends from high school are going to stop by and I'd like them to see her."

Still no gaze towards her; his voice had been soft though. It got on her nerves but didn't affect her that much. It was too late for this kind of reaction now.

"Sure… Anyway you have everything she needs here."

_Except me_

Just when she had held some hope about putting an end to her lonely evenings, cold nights, it all came back to her face with the harshness of a couple of illusions and for being observed, she wasn't allowed to let her sorrow take her completely. At least at home there was nobody to witness her nervous breakdowns. She always waited for June to be asleep before sliding on the floor and sobbing in silence.

It sounded wrong if her daughter had actually known about all those tears that used to run down her cheeks more and more lately.

But then he had showed up and she had thought this rough patch would be over. She should have never opened her eyes in the morning. She should have never fallen asleep. Perhaps if she had stayed awake, he wouldn't have left without any warning.

"Well aren't you lucky? A whole night of rest's waiting for you. I don't know a lot of mums who can pretend to the same treatment!"

She sat down next to Grace and smiled evasively. Everyone always ended up saying the same thing but then why did she actually hate it? She didn't want to have a break. She didn't need to breathe. The only moments when she wasn't feeling so lonely were when her daughter was by her side and then life seemed lighter, a little bit easier. A television set was cold, impersonal and depressing. She had stopped watching movies because she had become afraid of the trailers at the end. If she happened to go into the story with great concentration, then the comeback to reality would sound too harsh to be bearable.

"So do you want me to pick her up tomorrow morning or you stop by home?"

Will stood up and came back to the kitchen, quiet. The discomfort was obvious, at least to her eyes. It wouldn't take very long before Jack and Grace asking for further explanations if they kept on acting like that. She followed him in the kitchen, had a quick look at her friends. They had focalized back on June.

"Will… You could at least answer my question, damn it!"

She had never used such a cold tone but the whisper that accompanied it slid in a perfect control over her lips and it passed unnoticed for the rest of the people.

Will grabbed a bottle of wine and opened it. His hands were shaking.

"I don't know. Maybe we could… I mean you could… Well… Let's say in front of Zabar's around eleven. Is that okay for you?"

"Do you have any plans for tomorrow evening? It would be nice if you came over for a dinner or something."

"No."

Precise and incisive, straight to her heart; it broke it into pieces. As a matter of fact she wondered how she remained on her feet.

"Oh my God, she's walking!"

Grace's shriek made her look up. She stared blankly at the living-room then rushed towards June and hugged her tightly.

At least now she had a good cover to burst into tears.


	7. December 2001

December 2001:

It was snowing. She had just got out on the terrace, looked up at the sky and realized that the snow had finally appeared. It made her smile. The winter wasn't the same if a layer of pure whiteness didn't cover up the streets of the city.

Her head hit the wall of bricks as she leaned it backwards. She closed her eyes. Snow drops caressed her face. The dizziness caused by alcohol was contrasting with the iciness of the weather but she wasn't shivering, no; only enjoying it at the most.

"What are you doing here without a coat on?"

She didn't move, didn't answer Will's question. All she was dying for right now was the contact of the snow with her skin like a multitude of stabbings in her body. But it wasn't painful, not really.

"Karen, are you alright?"

She felt his fingers grab her arm. He sounded worried; it made her feel glad, almost happy. She turned her face and locked her eyes with his then smiled, softly.

"It's snowing."

"I actually did notice it… Why are you alone here?"

An amused mock played on her lips and she made a few steps forwards.

"Don't be worried, I won't jump."

Her joke didn't make him laugh at all and for a couple of seconds she felt like apologizing but someone rushed out on the terrace and asked for Will.

"Yeah give me one moment, Brian."

"Honey, I'm fine. You can go back inside and do whatever you're supposed to. I just want… I don't know, stay here for a while and observe the buildings. This is all I have, Manhattan."

Her last sentence vanished in a regretful murmur. She bit her lower lip, hoping that he hadn't heard her light complain, nostalgic sentiment of a life that was coming to an end.

"Where is he?"

She shrugged, felt like laughing loud; extremely bitterly.

"What I know? He's only my husband on the paper now."

His hand slid on her waist. She shivered, swallowed hard and frowned. It wasn't frustration but anger; against everyone and absolutely nothing at the same time. It was confusing, harsh and heavy.

"Don't get married. This fairy-tale is bullshit. And I know what I'm talking about; three of them and all failures, one after another. I must be really stupid to persist and sign every time."

"You might just be romantic."

Raising an eyebrow in a shy disbelief, Karen felt how the words stopped just before her lips and she found herself speechless for whatever reason. It troubled her.

"I… I don't want to be alone. I'm scared of it."

The confession came out before her realizing it. She looked down, blushed and made another step forward as if to put some distance between Will and her.

"You're going to miss the countdown, honey."

"Time isn't suspended here. The new year is about to reach us too, with all its meanings; and hopes."

"And what are your plans for 2002?"

The moon lit up his features. Did he look sad or it was only an effect of the pale light? She didn't dare to ask and let him speak instead.

"Oh, they're always the same ones."

Something hit her at this moment, a sort of despair that she had thought to be the only one to experience; the kind of sensation that left you empty, unsatisfied. Will felt it too, but for how long exactly? And was it the same as what she had identified as unique, belonging to her and nobody else?

"You haven't granted any of your wishes?"

The question pierced the air before her being able to swallow it back and use a semblance of tact. She gasped in a quiet form of apologies but Will didn't seem to care that much or at least he didn't sound offended. On the contrary, his eyes began to sparkle of boldness. It made her smile.

"Not yet but there's still hope because they're becoming clearer and clearer while time's passing by."

"Then what are you waiting for exactly?"

"The right time; I don't want to screw up everything for being impatient. I need to be sure of everything before."

"I wish I had come to such conclusions a bit earlier. Maybe I would have avoided a couple of things; and not missed others…"

"Like having a baby?"

She clenched her fists before his unexpected audacity and bit the inside of her mouth. It hurt a lot more than what she had thought possible, even now that such a long time had flown away.

She closed her eyes but immediately visualized the oak door opposite the library at the penthouse. It made her feel sick; her breath shortened.

"Karen, are you okay? I'm sorry I didn't mean…"

"Nobody does in the first place but at the end the result is the same."

_And it hurts so badly._

She turned around and began to head back towards the door but his hand on her wrist stopped her. She faced him. Her eyes were glimmering, weren't they? God, she hated it.

The countdown suddenly pierced the silence, somewhere in the background. The guests were celebrating the last seconds of the year, completely unaware of their friends' absence.

He made her come closer to him until she molded his body. His hand was firm on her lower back; his breath hot against her lips.

They kissed, almost chastely, but as the fireworks lit up the sky Karen abandoned herself to the heat of his arms and the sweetness of his mouth. The embrace became bolder; he pushed her against the wall of bricks. Her foot caressed his ankle and she moaned when his fingers passed underneath her top.

The snow drops were vanishing between their locked lips, melting against their intertwined tongues. The iciness contrasting with the heat of their skin sent shivers down their spine and for the very first time in her life, Karen understood why life could be so bright. It was all about being in the right person's arms.

A bump against the door made them break apart. They came in immediately, lost and troubled. They had probably had too many drinks.


	8. November 2007

November 2007:

Her self-confidence flew away as soon as she passed the doors of the little building. She tightened her grip on her bag and kept on walking. Her high heels resounded loud on the floor, a bit lonely. She arrived at the office, knocked on the door and waited. Her heart had speeded up its pace, hitting her chest strongly.

"Come in!"

She swallowed hard. A fake smile appeared on her lips.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Walker. Please, sit down. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

A whisper, a ridiculous whisper; it seemed that the many years that had passed by since the last time she had found herself in such situation hadn't changed anything about her behavior. What about the woman she was supposed to have become? Finished, it was all finished; and she was back to the lonely girl with long dark hair and thick glasses.

"Excellent…"

Margaret Brentwood settled further in her leather armchair and crossed her legs. She looked so confident that it made Karen blush. It wasn't logical, completely unfair because she used to be this kind of woman. She was the one who dominated the situations, the one who had power over everyone else; not the opposite as she was facing now.

She was losing her references.

Someone knocked on the door. She turned around and her eyes widened as Will entered the room. What had happened? Speechless, she stared at him as he sat down by her side. Obviously he was as disarmed as her. Was it supposed to be reassuring?

The headmaster smiled then slid a sheet of paper under their eyes. They automatically looked at it. The drawing was extremely awkward, vague forms of human beings next to each other, different colors and what seemed to look like the roof of a house.

"Is it one of June's?"

Margaret Brentwood nodded, grabbed a pen.

"It is, indeed, your daughter's drawing. As a matter of fact, she's pretty good for a child who is four years old. The legs and the arms are well proportioned, the head still a little big but she got the importance of distinctive heights. Anyway… Her class was working on a 'family project' and so all the pupils were asked to represent their respective families. June came up with this one and it caught Deborah Altman's attention. You know Deborah, our psychiatrist?"

The last word hit the air in a movement of panic in Karen's mind. Something was wrong with her daughter. As much as she had tried _ with Will _ to provide to their child a balanced life, they had failed at some point and now it was too late. They had ruined June's persona.

Karen looked down, ashamed. She vaguely jumped as Will's hand made contact with hers and pressed it tightly.

"And… Well, is there a problem with the drawing?"

The headmaster bit her lower lip; unless she pouted. Was she trying to look sexy in front of Will? Karen restrained a laugh, a possessive one. Margaret Brentwood would get nothing from him.

He was hers, somehow.

"As you can see, Karen is standing by June's side on the drawing. They're holding hands; which highlights the good relation she seems to have with you, Mrs. Walker. Will, she put you on her left and the three of you should represent her conception of the family. However, as you can see, there are like a dozen of men next to Karen. They're not included under the roof so June doesn't consider them as people belonging to her house, her family. She did picture her aunt and uncles next to her father but… She's not holding your hand, Will. She's making one with Karen but not with you. Instead she kind of opened the door of the house to all the other men standing next to her mother."

Margaret stopped, looked up at Will and Karen. Her eyes were sparkling with a delicate sweetness. She didn't really seem worried and even less uncomfortable. She cleared her voice, put down her pen on her desk.

"What I mean is that June doesn't understand about her family. I know you two aren't living together and she also knows about it. The fact is… I don't want to sound disrespectful or break into your personal life because it's none of my business but your daughter is lost. She's divided between her mother's relation with other men and the place of her father in her house. I'm not interested in the reason why you spend so much time at Karen's, Will, but your daughter obviously needs an explanation. I hope I don't sound too intrusive… Children from divorced parents always draw two different houses. June only got one and she put the two of you under it but the fact her father isn't holding her hand emphasizes the distance you try to put between the two of you. You know, a child can easily see what adults try to hide so hard."

Sat on her chair, Karen's eyes slid on Will but she looked down almost immediately. She could feel the heat burn her cheeks; her mouth was dry.

Before the uncomfortable silence, Margaret Brentwood smiled.

"In a word, try to make your relation _ whatever it is _ clear enough for June."

They both nodded and left the school. The cool air ran along their nape as they stepped out on the sidewalk. Karen took a deep breath, shrugged and broke the heavy silence.

"I don't sleep with a dozen of men. I… I…"

She looked up at Will and locked her eyes with his, searching for his trust. She was so scared that he could be mad at her with absolutely no reason. She took his hand in hers and shook her head.

"You're the only one."


	9. June 2006

June 2006:

The heat of the sun caressed her cheeks and she opened her eyes slowly. The light of the morning was piercing brightly through the window of her bedroom, getting reflected in the mirror above the fireplace. She had scotched a faded rose there; the only one he had given her, three years ago for June's birth.

A hand slid on her bare stomach. It sent shivers to her spine; it always did. She rolled on her side _ the blanket rustling under her movement _ and she observed him. She loved being the first one to wake up in the morning. Then she had all her time to study his features and keep them in mind; the way he looked quiet, relaxed. She approached her fingertips from his jaw then planted a light kiss on his lips.

"What time is it?"

His voice was hoarse and terribly sexy, like his unshaven face. She had a thing for those details that made men look masculine and yet vulnerable somehow. The mix was subtle, perfect.

Her lips went down his shoulder blade and she buried her face in his neck; smiled as he grabbed her waist.

"It's eight…"

"God Karen… It's Saturday. Let me sleep a couple of hours more…"

She wished he had stayed there forever. Her bed seemed so cold when he left that she dreaded to go back under the duvet, facing the odd sensation that his presence next to her might have only been the result of some illusion. But a couple of days later, he came back; quietly, rocked by the silent smile of the moonlight.

"Come on, Will. June is going to wake up at any moment. You can't be here, I mean… She can't see you, now. What would happen if…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

Will got up and mechanically put back his clothes on. Karen sat up in bed. Her gaze slid on him. She always felt ashamed by then, towards their daughter, their friends; towards Will too. He knew that she wasn't using him but still, it sounded awkward to push him to go away like that in the early morning. After all he was June's father; no matter they had proceeded to an artificial insemination.

She grabbed an ankle-length cardigan, put it on and accompanied him to the door.

She didn't like this routine at all.

"Is it okay if I arrive around noon? Unless you need me earlier but I was thinking about doing some last-minute shopping."

"Noon is perfect, honey. Jack picks her up at ten thirty then Grace comes for the decoration and the party starts at three."

The heat of his lips warmed up her heart as he leaned over for a kiss. His fingers caressed her cheek; she swallowed hard.

"I love you…"

She nodded then closed the door.

The words never showed up. She could feel them boil in the depths of her stomach but they just stopped, halfway. She lacked courage, not sentiments. But how long would he accept such a coward excuse? She couldn't afford to lose him; couldn't afford to tell him everything either.

It all went as it was planned, smoothly enough to avoid a fit of panic. June got delighted by her presents, enjoyed her school friends' company and Karen didn't stop looking at Will behind an invisible wall, absurd distance.

The last guest left around six in the afternoon. She closed the door, jumped at the sudden contact of her daughter against her legs.

"I love you, mommy."

Sometimes she wondered what had happened to the Karen Walker of the glorious days when she was still married to Stanley and her agenda was full of parties, charity events. She entered a room and imposed silence, respect. Everybody dreaded her gaze, the iciness of her smiles and the sharpness of her replies. A glass in hand, she seemed to evolve in a world that had nothing to do with all the rest; apart but divine. She missed Beverley Leslie and the innocence of this period of her life, the brightness of old days when she just started enjoying the lightness of friendship and the meaning of existence.

Now she was divorced, single or so _ it had to be defined, it always had to be _ and in charge of a child. She didn't regret her choices but simply felt nostalgic, from time to time.

She took June in her arms and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you too, sweetie. Happy birthday…"

"Do you need anything special or we can leave? Grace told me that you had a date at eight tonight with…"

"He's just a guy, a friend and…"

"Okay so I take June's rucksack."

Will grabbed their daughter from her arms and headed towards June's bedroom to retrieve the toys she wanted for the night.

He said he didn't mind but whenever she tried to justify herself, he promptly went away if not simply avoided the conversation. It made her feel bad.

And mad; after all he was the one who wanted to keep their relation quiet, secret if not completely invisible. Before his desires of silence, she had to pretend; and accept other men's invitations in the hope that it would cease, one day. She dreamed of the moment when Will put an end to his ridiculous rules and live openly with her.

She crossed the living-room, went through the corridor but stopped immediately at the call of her name. Jack was speaking with Grace in the guest bedroom.

"And which number is this one, eight? I bet we won't even get to see his face."

"Same for Will; I might not live with him anymore but I know he hasn't been on a date for ages, a real one I mean. Small wonder why those two had a child together… They share a bitter passion for loneliness."

It didn't hurt her as she had thought it would in the first place, no. The words only travelled through her veins before reaching her heart and enveloping her mind in a dark veil of sadness.

Because they were right, at the end; her story with Will was a dead-end one, terribly addicting. It just didn't change anything.

She wouldn't sleep with her date that night, only come back home and face the silence of her life; on her own.

Then she would close her eyes, loneliness by her side.


	10. July 2003

July 2003:

She had thought that it would be easier. The weeks would fly away and it would come up by itself with an undeniable logic. The idea had grown in her head for nine months, spreading roots throughout a thousand arguments susceptible to highlight her point and life would go on just as it was supposed to do.

She had been so wrong.

Her lack of experience wasn't really to blame. As a matter of fact, it was all about her absurd self-esteem, the way she always felt superior to the others as if she did hold the key for everything with a disconcerting ability. But the truth was that she was suffering. Between the numerous sleepless nights and the absence of a presence by her side, her life had turned rough. Maternity was hard.

"You're a wreck."

In other circumstances Karen would have replied, more or less effectively. The instinctive _ secretly enjoyable _ process even set off in her head but her general fatigue put an implicit end to it before the words started making sense in her mind. She couldn't fight anymore. She abdicated, vaguely mocked.

"She cries a lot."

June was probably the best thing that had happened in her existence so far. She had no doubts about it. From the moment the midwife had put her shivering daughter on her bare chest, a whole mechanism of mysterious feelings had overwhelmed her and they were now inhabiting her veins, controlling her reactions; making her heart beat so loud.

But then there were the cries. Mentioning the word was enough now to stir up a veil of panic over her body in anticipation. She had reached a point where the slightest sound seemed able to cause a new wave of tears from the new-born, at any time. Karen's nights had turned into a bitter nightmare of dark fantasies and she jumped, waking up abruptly from an endless dream only to wait for her daughter's cries. It never took very long, ironically enough as if June felt like she had been pushed to.

"Then let me stay tonight, please."

"No, Will, no, no and no. It's my part of the job, I have to assume it."

"There's absolutely no reason for you to face the rough times when I said and want to take my role of father seriously. Let me help you, please."

She bit her lower lip as he realized his bad choice of words. Karen Walker never needed any help. The only person she counted on was herself. The idea was false, extremely ridiculous but it was the only kind of references she had learnt to follow. She had to keep up with appearances.

"I mean…"

"Oh save it, Will!"

"I want to spend more time with my daughter. I don't like the way it is; how I only happen to see her a few hours a day. Can you believe that I haven't spent a night by her side since she was born? This is not the father figure I want her to get. Maybe we should reconsider our plan."

Karen's heart started pounding loud against her chest. She turned her face around and stared at him. For whatever reason they had sat on the hardwood floor of her flat, leaned against the couch. June's cries had finally ceased and she was peacefully sleeping in her crib, until the next fit.

"Don't take her away from me…"

It hadn't been a threat at all but a murmured, yet convincing distress. She was imploring him, silently. It made him laugh.

"I wasn't speaking about this kind of change, Karen. She's my daughter as much as she's yours and it will always be like that. But perhaps… You know, I was wondering if from time to time, I couldn't stay here for the night. I would take care of June and you would be able to sleep."

"I'm breastfeeding her."

"And so what? You can prepare a bottle. Come on, Karen. Swallow back your stupid pride for once and let me be a part of this. I feel like I'm missing half of her life."

He was. It broke her heart to admit it but he actually did. He went to work, spent an incredible amount of time at the office when she could witness the evolution of their baby, minute after minute. Nothing could be compared to it; the experience was unique.

"I suppose we can give it a try…"

She didn't feel them come. Her throat didn't tighten, her eyes didn't sore but all of a sudden a thousand tears began to run down her cheeks. She sobbed, ashamed; didn't go away though.

"I'm fine, you know. I'm doing just fine, honey."

His arms came to embrace her shoulders and she didn't oppose any resistance. She closed her eyes as his lips made contact with her head in a sweet kiss, warming up her heart.

Her auto-persuasion crashed miserably in her veil of lies as a strong sentiment of emptiness invaded her soul. Why did she have to feel so lonely when for the very first time in years she had a real purpose in her life?

"I'm failing, aren't I?"

His hand slid down on her waist and before her realizing it, she found herself between his legs in a close, tight hug.

"No, you're not. You're actually very brave to endure that all by yourself when it's not right; not fair. You're an incredible woman, Karen."

Will spent the night over but an odd instinct woke her up at four in the morning. Not bothering to turn the light on, she sneaked out of her bedroom and without a word came to cuddle against him on the sofa. He was feeding June, quietly.

She felt asleep while watching her daughter in his arms, rocked by the tenderness of this old picture she had had once in her mind; the day he had asked her to be the mother of his child and she had imagined what their family would look like.

It had settled down her choice to give it a try.


	11. November 2003

November 2003:

Deep inside she was thrilled. She had tried to perpetuate the tradition with Stanley and his children but she had quickly abandoned the idea after a few, vain attempts. He always had some business trip whatsoever. As a matter of fact, every year she wondered what kind of excuse he would find to avoid a reunion with his so-called family.

She didn't understand.

Did he not measure his luck to still have a family, even if a little dysfunctional? But it had just been another disappointment about the dreams she had had once of her life with Stanley.

Will stopped the car. Her heart began to shine but she didn't show it. Settling further on the backseat next to June, Karen crossed her arms on her chest and pouted.

She didn't always understand her own reactions. Was it a way to protect her feelings against the aggression of reality or she just liked getting on people's nerves? At least she ended up being the center of attention every time and that was something extremely delighting.

A quick look in the rearview mirror to see Will sigh and roll his eyes; she bit the inside of her mouth to prevent from smiling brightly. She loved teasing him.

"Stop behaving as if you were five. They are her grandparents; she has to visit them from time to time. Besides you stopped breastfeeding so you can have a drink now."

She would never tell him that his last comment hurt her a lot because he wasn't to blame. He had only followed a logic she had imposed throughout a couple of decades, reaching the point of some implicit identification to her own persona. But now that she had a child, it didn't sound alike and it made her feel ashamed. She would never renounce to a glass of alcohol but the proportions would change. They had to; she wanted to.

"They're going to judge me."

"Since when do you care so much what people can think about you? Come on, we're late."

He hadn't denied her statement, only advanced a poor argument that no mattered how true it could be, had provoked a knot in her stomach. It seemed that her whole body wasn't responding to the situation in the same way. A part of her was delighted _ and proud, ridiculously enough _ to have been invited but the other one _ from her mind to her stomach _ was dreading it more than anything.

She wasn't motherly. As much as she tried and actually did her best, she knew that it didn't really work out. Her gestures weren't natural. She kept on trying though.

But when Will began to speak about an eventual little brother or sister for June, she couldn't help it. Her blood turned icy and she frankly panicked. She wouldn't be able to manage two babies.

"She's sleeping. Maybe we should wait for her to wake up. I'm not sure it's a good thing to take her out off her seat. It took us long enough to figure out how to put her in it…"

"I'm not sure the neighbors would understand why two people remain so still in their car at this hour of the day. This isn't New York City. The biggest eccentricity you will find here is a mailbox painted in blue instead of the regular red. You're being observed and judged but always wrongly."

"And this is why I hate the suburbs."

All of a sudden Will got rid of his seatbelt and turned around to face her. His movement took her aback, stirred up her curiosity. She locked her eyes with his and waited for an explanation.

"It's going to be alright, Kare. I'm here, with you. I promise I won't leave you alone, at any moment. Now can we just go in? Please, trust me."

In a fluid, unexpected movement, his fingers slid on her nape and he kissed her lips softly; chastely. It made her feel weak.

She nodded.

The door flew open under Marilyn's exclamations. An instinctive smile came to light up Karen's features. But very soon she realized that it wasn't a forced one.

She had always loved Will's mother, perhaps because she had a feeling they were alike; a bit lost in a life that hadn't turned out as they had planned. And she knew that one day she would be the exact same woman.

"Happy Thanksgiving"

"Happy Thanksgiving, Marilyn…"

Sometimes Karen wondered how her existence could have turned into such an unconventional series of events. As a child, she had spent entire nights dreaming about what she imagined as a perfect life. There had been children, a house, a husband. While she had gone into extremely classic fantasies, her choices in reality had led her to the exact opposite.

And from all the plots she had developed in her head, the one about having a child with a gay friend hadn't even crossed her mind. But there she was, holding the daughter she had had with Will in her arms.

They entered the house.

Sticking to June as if she were an alive shield, Karen looked with envy at Will. He had brothers, parents and cousins. Her sister barely spoke to her and as for her mother she hadn't got any news for a very long while; the other relatives had been forgotten for a very long while.

Lois hadn't even seen her granddaughter yet.

Will; Karen's hazel eyes followed quietly his gestures, the way he was smiling, laughing.

And all of a sudden it hit her mind, like an odd and disturbing realization.

They had a child together. They were forming a family or at least to everyone's eyes.

But she hadn't even slept with him.

And now she wondered if it would ever happen and if so, in what kind of circumstances. Not that she was dying for it but still, she was intrigued.


	12. December 2002

December 2002:

When she was six years old, she had found a puppy abandoned on a dirty road of Arkansas. While the car had passed by it, she had screamed with the high-pitched voice that would never really disappear and they had stopped. Her sister had awoken abruptly and begun to cry. Her mother had sighed, probably also rolled her eyes but the man at the steering wheel hadn't said the slightest thing. On the contrary, he had opened the door of her backseat and together they had walked towards the dog.

The only thing that she remembered _ so many years after _ about it was its eyes and the way they had seemed to be imploring her arms. They had taken it to the vet but a few days later their road trips had set off again and she had never seen it back. The memory was still aching her heart now; for the blurriness of the image of a dog, its despair to belong to someone, and the latent pain of the loss. Her father had died not that long after this episode of her early life.

She turned her head around and stared blankly at the wall in front of her. She had grown tired of the contemplation of the Christmas tree and for some reason her eyes were wet, full of frustrated tears.

Three decades had passed by since Arkansas but all of a sudden, Karen knew that she had the same gaze as the abandoned dog right now; no mattered how ridiculous she probably looked like.

Very slowly she leaned up on her elbow and started moving but Will's voice in her back put an abrupt end to her attempt.

"And where are you going like that? You can't move, Karen. That's life."

"It's easy to say when you're not the one who's stuck down on this couch…"

She wished she had been able to say a thousand words more, all the things that were rushing to her mind right now, carried by the weight of her anger and frustration. But the tone of her voice had sounded too weak and so she preferred to remain silent. Will kneeled down next to her then grabbed her hand.

"Remember why you're doing this."

A brief, cold enough, nod from her suspended his explanation. Someone knocked on the door; he stood up.

Three months; she had received the positive results of her pregnancy test three months before and yet she had to remain down on a couch or a bed because of some hormonal issues. It had weakened her so much that the very last day before an emergency appointment to her scientist, even the fact of sitting down resulted enough to make her feel dizzy.

But even after a short stay at the hospital for a slight anemia she still couldn't reason herself properly and from her anger seemed to show up a boiling wave of frustration.

Karen didn't have a cool temper at all; she just didn't show it. The truth was that she lacked self-confidence and was in perpetual quest of proving to the rest of the crowd that she could succeed without any help; controlling everything, even when she failed.

Her heart began to pound louder when she heard the voice. She thought about some hallucination at first _ after all she was on medication _ but the person standing in front of Will and whom she couldn't see behind his back spoke again. She froze.

What was she doing here?

"Merry Christmas, Karen…"

She looked at Will in disbelief, unsure if she was supposed to be mad at him or thankful because deep inside herself it was exactly what she had been dying for; then locked her eyes with her mother's.

"What are you doing here?"

Her voice still sounded unsure; small wonder why, they had taken her by surprise. She looked around for an escape but then realized that she was trapped, not allowed to move.

"Will invited me for Christmas Eve. I brought the silver candles like when you were a child."

Three hours of an observation of the living-room and she hadn't noticed the supplementary plate on the table. Grace wouldn't be there since Leo had managed to get some days off and they both had decided to go away for a couple of days. So she would be left with Will and Jack.

And Lois, now

"Did he tell you anything else?"

She hadn't started showing yet. Her hips and breasts had got new shapes but the changes around her stomach were extremely bare.

"You have no idea how I'm proud of you, Karen."

The remark took her aback, almost as much as the fact that her mother was using her first name. It was rare, troubling. She swallowed back a gasp and focalized on the emotional tone of someone she had thought heartless once.

"It's only a baby…"

"But you're mine and I'm so sorry to have made it all turn so bad."

She hadn't expected any kind of apologies; never. After the death of her father, Karen had got resigned about a series of things. The sun might keep on shining and the birds singing but her heart would remain vaguely dark and the gaze of her mother inexistent, like the rest of her life. Time had passed by and she had overcome it or at least said so. Maybe the sudden tragedy hadn't only hit her but also the woman who had once imagined that she would spend the rest of her existence by the side of a man who had happened to die too soon.

Was there any more heartbreaking love story at the end?

But still, she needed some illusion of a pale revenge.

She remained quiet, vaguely nodded.

The evening went smoothly, perhaps a bit awkward. Jack left and Will took her in his arms, carrying her to Grace's old bedroom _ her medical problems had led them to the temporary decision to make her live under the same roof as her friend _ and she dared a remark.

She locked her eyes with his brown ones as she landed on the mattress.

"Thank you, honey…"

The murmur got lost in the air but secretly enough it wrapped up her heart and remained there.


	13. April 2008

April 2008:

She woke up at the sound of his lips making contact with her nape; and their heat, so soft against her skin. Laid on her stomach, she didn't move; only smiled. His hands went down her bare waist. His leg got intertwined with hers. Then all of a sudden she felt his whole body against her back as his voice embraced her ear.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you. I was just trying to figure out why I was falling for you."

She knew his words by heart now but in spite of the years passing by they still had the same effect on her. Something got warmed in her stomach and her heart pounded faster. An immense wave of well-being, a quiet happiness; it was all she actually wanted.

As usual she remained quiet and let him finish. It was part of the tradition; their own references that nobody knew but them. Maybe one day…

"Happy fourth anniversary, Karen; I love you."

Finally abdicating to his hands, she accepted his embrace and rolled on her side before opening her eyes.

"Happy anniversary, honey…"

She went for a light kiss but ended it up in a bolder one; the kind of demonstration of affection she had learned to love with him. But always in silence; nobody had to get hurt, in any way.

Didn't the truth deserve to be known?

Very quickly she looked at the alarm o'clock. Eight in the morning; they still had time.

Her fingers disappeared under the duvet and she went for his, squeezing his waist with her legs. If only time could have been suspended and they would have stayed there, completely still, matching each other's breath.

A kiss on his shoulder blade and she closed her eyes only to take advantage to the most of the morning quietness of his arms.

The words still couldn't come out though. They had reached a new level lately _ so close to her lips _ but she was still unable to let them hit their reality properly. It wasn't a matter of trust but the weight of her past over her feelings. She needed time in order not to crash.

Four years seemed quite a long time in a life though. Besides, everything was different with Will. She felt stronger by his side, kind of logical as if she had found the purpose of her existence through his smiles.

"I have something to ask you, Karen."

She hadn't expected that. All the previous celebrations had followed a smooth rhythm and there was no surprise. They made love, whispering promises of a tomorrow and Will left her flat before June waking up because it was supposed to be better like that, for everyone.

"I just want to remember."

Her comment made him smile. He kissed her lips.

It was back in April 2004, two months after their first and what looked like by then their only time. None of them had made a step towards each other, on the contrary. Will's distant behavior had led her to understand he wasn't wishing for anything else so she had accepted, silently, his request.

She had started going on blind dates even though she had always hated the process, swearing to herself that she would never take part in what seemed the most pitiful attempt not to spend another evening of deep loneliness. But she had a child now and a couple of other things had made her change her mind, shamefully enough.

There might have not been as many men as she had been used to but the ones she kept on meeting were nice, funny and smart. That's why she didn't understand why it kept on being a series of failures; some frustrating attempts to be part of the world again.

Nothing set off in her head, even less in her heart. She was there, sat in front of some charming man and all she thought about was the emptiness of her feelings. She felt like dead.

_"If you have some time to prepare her lunch for tomorrow that would be great. The milk for tonight is there, on the countertop…"_

Friday night and she was on another date. Will had just arrived to babysit June but her remarks sounded ridiculous, useless. They only served to fill a hole dug by an extreme nervousness. Since the night they had spent together, something had got lost or at least damaged and she lacked comfort while being alone with him. So she kept on talking, hoping to be saved, relieved at some point.

_"Lately she has developed a tendency to wake up around midnight but since she doesn't cry, I don't go for her. Apparently it's good to let her deal with whatever she's having. I will be back before anyway; as a matter of fact I don't even feel like going out. Besides, it's raining and my umbrella is broken and… I miss you."_

It had had to come out, hit the air through a shade of deep honesty and pure regrets. She had suddenly stopped pacing the room aimlessly and turned around to look at him, wondering where she had got the strength to do so. She had bitten her lower lip, shaken her head. A thousand of ideas had twirled and made her feel dizzy.

_"You never called me back… I know it's not right but… I miss you."_

_"I thought you didn't want anything. Your silence, your…"_

She had locked her eyes with his and swallowed back a gasp but her tears had found their way out, down her cheeks; leaving a salty, bitter taste on her lips. He had come closer.

_"Don't cry… I'm sorry if I hurt you. I was trying to figure out why… Why I was falling for you."_

From then on she had remained in his arms, protected by the silence of the moon and the secrecy of the dark night. Four years had passed by and now they were trapped in a dusty pile of lies and a million souvenirs like this sentence he loved repeating every year more than anything.

But something had changed in their secretive routine and there they were, on a pale Sunday morning.

Will rolled on top of her and grabbed something from his bag abandoned on the floor near the bed. Incredulous, she let him do. Her heart was hitting with strength against her chest and she wasn't fine, way too afraid. She couldn't afford to lose him. What if he left?

"Karen…"

He locked back his eyes with hers.

"Karen… You see, it took me four years to figure out why I was in love with you and… I got it one day, just like that. You were holding June in your arms and all of a sudden you smiled at me. It's when I realized that you were the most amazing person I had ever met and… I don't know how things are going in my heart because I don't control them but all I can say is that I am lucky enough to hold you in my arms, every night or so. Now I want to do it for the rest of my life so... Would you accept to become my wife?"

She froze, instinctively looked down at his hands and the blue box he was holding. Perhaps she wouldn't have dared to move or anything for a very long while _ trying to get back her heart on a regular pace _ but an extern circumstance prevented her from doing so; her daughter's voice, sudden and confused.

"Mommy?"

Both lovers jumped and turned their head almost immediately; facing June, Jack and Grace.


	14. September 2002

September 2002:

"I'm going to have a child or at least try to."

Nervous smile; deep, heavy silence

"With Will…"

Like a repercussion of Grace and Jack's face, she froze too then swallowed hard. Perhaps she hadn't chosen the right time, even less the right words. She had been extremely abrupt if not cold but the fact was that the days were passing by at an impressive pace and the decadent rhythm had taken her wonders away in an odd, dizzy waltz. Interrogations, doubts, lies; the pressure pushed her to break the silence.

"Can someone say something, please?"

Her discomfort seemed to find a resonance in her friends' eyes, the way they stared at her with an icy perplexity. Did they actually think that the idea was hilarious, stupid? From all the things that had crossed her mind, the eventual absurdity of a pregnancy hadn't been part of them. It might not have sounded natural but she couldn't help believing that there was still some logic in it. It was just hidden behind a veil of appearances that people never bothered to pull away from her heart.

"What are we supposed to say? What are you waiting from us, or at least from me? I can't speak for Jack; it wouldn't be fair for him."

If the scene had followed the scenario she had spent so many nights rehearsing in her head, it wouldn't have gone like that at all. Grace would have turned hysterical, screaming and slamming doors. She wouldn't have talked to her for the next month or so, be mad at Will until the day her anger would cease.

Jack would have remained quiet and pretended to accept the decision but deep inside he would have been hurt and frustrated for not being able to fulfill her dreams.

But there they were and Grace was calm, a bit bitter perhaps or just under the shock; she couldn't really say.

Her hazel eyes studied Jack, in vain. His emotions weren't showing up on his face. She shrugged at Grace's comment, laughed nervously. Will tried to grab her hand but she turned down his gesture. They weren't a couple and would never be.

"I don't know, aren't you surprised? Maybe you have questions or…"

"Have you slept together? I knew it would only be a matter of time."

This time Will left his uncomfortable silence behind and shook his head at Jack whose comment had caused his cheeks turn red.

"I'm gay."

"And so what, you did sleep with Diane."

Nobody bothered to reply to Grace's remark. It was vain and useless. The evocation of Diane only emphasized one of Will' mistakes and there was nothing to add. The four friends had had plenty of time to talk about it, analyze the situation and draw conclusions.

"So you're going to live together?"

"No, it will be more like divorced parents. Honestly I don't think I could support Karen twenty-four hours a day!"

It had been said lightly but she got hurt. She stared at him sat down by her side and swallowed back the latent pain his words had stirred up.

Will and Karen always teased each other. It was a sort of tradition somehow and it was too late now to say that she didn't like it anymore. Something had changed little by little in the perception of her relation to him. She wouldn't have been able to say what exactly but it was even more obvious that with the baby plan, his constant remarks over her persona weren't as funny as they used to.

"So when is the insemination?"

Grace's reaction didn't sound right. As much as the tone of her voice was soft and extremely calm, the cadence was artificial; forced. It made Karen look down, disarmed before her friend's so-called self-confidence.

"Within a month now…"

They exposed their plan and the rest of the evening went smoothly, following an odd sensation of routine as if nothing had happened. But it would and as a matter of fact, the evolution had already started with Grace's wedding. Subconsciously enough they were turning a page over a thousand memories, a way of living and it wouldn't be the same anymore. Maybe it was all the meaning of growing up at the end, getting older; a change of perspective and new responsibilities.

"Are you okay with it? Be honest with me, Gracie…"

Jack and Will had left a few minutes earlier and the silence had come back, heavily, over the flat. Stolen gazes were dying at the corner of both women's eyes, swallowed by a timidity they didn't manage to properly overcome.

Grace turned around unexpectedly, coming a few inches away from her face. For whatever reason Karen's heart began to beat faster; she was scared of her friend's reaction.

"I would have never thought that you would accept to be someone's last chance. I was supposed to be the one in the first place and I'm afraid he turned towards you because of a lack of choices. I'm not jealous. I'm married and in love with Leo. I just hope you won't get hurt by him as I have been once for expecting a lot more than what he's able to give you."

"I don't want anything special from him…"

"Oh yes, you do. It's so obvious... But don't expect some kind of fairy tale. He won't marry you, won't fall in love you; he never does, man or woman. I guess he's too scared to hurt and be hurt again. Forget about Will, Karen. And start living on your own. It's the best you can do for yourself."


	15. May 2004

May 2004:

The worst was breathing. As much as it was a vital need, she wished she could have stopped and so the pain would have vanished like some tricky miracle. The air burnt her nose, made her bones crack and spread a latent weight over her chest. She swallowed hard, burying the tears deep inside because she anticipated the salt that would run on her cheeks if she didn't do so. It would be harsh.

The hours were passing by and she still felt dizzy, floating somewhere in between a world that would have kept on spinning around. Her legs were heavy but yet like a bunch of dry cotton; and the permanent sensation, over her troubled mind, that it wasn't the way things were supposed to be.

When she was five years old, she had caught tuberculosis. For several months she had been put apart from the rest of her family and even though she had received visits, from time to time, at the end the only sentiment she had got was the odd sensation that she was probably dying. One day her parents wouldn't come anymore and she would have to accept the fact that some people kept on living when others didn't; for whatever reason.

A little boy of three had died; she had been transferred to another yard and forgotten her dark thoughts little by little.

The experience had remained engraved in her mind like a sticky nightmare that would steal a peaceful spirit's nights.

And from then on, whenever she was sick, Karen was scared and felt lonely.

The door opened slowly, with care. She turned her head around but a large strand of hair prevented her from witnessing the scene entirely. Leant on a pillow, she didn't move and closed her eyes back. Her curiosity would have to wait before being satisfied.

She heard him sigh while he sat down next to her. Perhaps in other circumstances she would have intended a pale smile in order to reassure him but she was too tired for that this time. His hand caressed her hair; she relaxed.

"Are you feeling any better?"

"My bones ache."

"It's the fever…"

"Where is June?"

"My mother came to pick her up. It's better if she stays away from you for a little while."

All of a sudden she opened her eyes and stared at Will, on the verge to reply. Her throat tightened; she looked away as the tears threatened to come out.

Was it a possible fact that her heart did actually break into pieces, literally? Because she felt exactly like that right now…

During decades she had focalized with an assured delight on hating all these women who seemed to live according to the idea of having a child. She wasn't jealous at all, barely curious; just immensely tired of them and the ridiculousness of their behavior.

Everything depended on their children as if the rest didn't matter that much. A country could have gone into a war that they would still have preferred to speak about the way their kid could smile. By then Karen had sworn to herself that she would never be like that.

She had given birth to June and hoped that she hadn't changed her mind. But the truth was that something had still happened in her heart; something determining about her life. She wasn't alone anymore. She was living for someone.

"I know you haven't said goodbye to her but if you feel better we can give her a call tonight."

A hateful gaze stopped on Will for him having guessed the nature of her sudden silence but very soon she abdicated and shrugged.

She was dying for his arms. As a matter of fact, she was dying for tenderness; and comfort. They had started seeing each other for a month or so now; on a regular period. None of them had mentioned it or even less asked for further details as if the slightest attempt of explanation might put an end to whatever was beginning.

Confusion; they were going throughout a fog of misunderstandings and doubts. So she didn't dare to ask for anything, not even a hug: no mattered how she needed it.

"Come on, it's just the flu, Karen. Within a week everything will be back to normal."

"Hmm…"

"Do you miss her?"

His smile; she loved it more than anything but sometimes it simply got on her nerves, especially when he could read through her mind.

"As soon as you feel better, we will spend a whole day together; just the three of us. I promise."

"Don't."

She hadn't meant to sound harsh but the quickness of her reply and the sharpness of her hoarse voice had settled it down by itself. She blushed before Will's perplexity.

"Why?"

"Just in case…"

He didn't reply, just left the room as she remained alone in her bed; rocked by a thousand doubts.

Two weeks later Karen got her reply, unexpectedly enough; deeply desired too.

The sun was vanishing in pink shades over the ocean. People had finally deserted the place and very soon they had found themselves alone on the beach. The heat of the day was still warming up their skin; the paleness of their feet plunged into the sand. She looked at June, asleep in her stroller.

She smiled.

"See, I can hold my promises…"

Will's comment made her roll her eyes playfully. She nodded and let him do, surprised though, as he passed behind her and settled his chest against her back; his legs along hers. She leaned her head backwards against his shoulder. They had never been so close in public; no mattered how safe the place was supposed to be.

His breath came to caress her temple; she closed her eyes.

"I wish we could suspend time…"

Her own confession made her blush, slightly. But as Will pressed her hand she regained self-confidence over her own feelings. He came closer to her; murmured to her ear.

"I love you, Karen."

Yes… What if time got suspended?


	16. August 2003

August 2003:

She had come to this point where she dreaded the nights. Clutched to a vain hope she looked at the sun disappear through the window of her bedroom as tension was invading her back slowly, in a cold and sticky motion. Her heart speeded up its pace and she felt oppressed, desperately disarmed.

Instinctively she began to walk on her tiptoes but even her breathing seemed too loud and she knew that it would end up in cries.

If she slept for three hours in a row, she could be satisfied; or should have been so. The truth was that her fatigue had now reached her brain and she was weak, on the verge to break into pieces.

One, two, three; she sat down on the sofa and closed her eyes. She wouldn't fall asleep. It seemed that her body had built up a self-defense against the idea of having a rest and all she could do now was to wait there. The first cries pierced the heavy silence of the flat; she clenched her fists. Weren't women supposed to fall in love with their children? Weren't they supposed to turn the slightest thing into a radiant blessing?

She had never been like the others and for the very first time, she started regretting it.

"Hey… Why are you crying, honey?"

Her voice was still soft in spite of her evident irritation. Very carefully she took June in her arms then lay her down against her chest, rubbing her little back. But the cries would eventually persist. They always did.

She wasn't hungry. She didn't need to be changed. She wasn't in pain.

So why did she keep on crying?

Hearing her daughter scream broke her heart into pieces, added a weight on her shoulders and while turning around _ looking at the room _ Karen felt miserable and lost.

It had been two months now but the situation hadn't evolved. June still woke up every two hours or so, in tears, and nothing could make her stop. She just had to fall asleep, drowned in the salt of her cries on her graceful face.

Pacing the living-room hopelessly, Karen finally put down the new-born on the crib.

Then it happened, unexpectedly.

Perhaps she had only reached her limits without even noticing it because if she had had to be honest, that night was in no way different to any previous one. So there was no reason, no susceptible explanation to give to the incontrollable tears that all of a sudden shook her own body.

Her knees hit the floor smoothly, then her hands. Anger had joined her deep sentiment of frustration and the room seemed to be spinning around. She couldn't see straight. Her breath was loud, short.

It was coming out, boiling like a torrent of knives over her heart. The tears were sliding on her cheeks, dying along her lips in an attempt to reach her tongue. June was still crying but she didn't care anymore. Her life had been suspended, like all the rest.

Then it came to her mind with a harsh logic, a disturbing one.

For the very first time she felt like coming backwards in time and turn down Will's offer to have a child. For the very first time she wished that it had never happened and everything would have been alright, vaguely.

But she had hold June in her arms. Someone had put the baby on her chest and from then on she had had to go on.

But what if she stopped? What if she gave it up now and left? She could go anywhere. She had spent enough time travelling throughout the whole country to know the states by heart and their places of despair where she would be forgotten and maybe she could also die in silence, far from any interest.

Without thinking it twice she grabbed her bag and put June in her stroller. She didn't even take any bottle, any diaper.

The street was empty and dark at this hour of the night and the wind cold, icy against her cheeks. She hurried up towards Riverside Drive, determined in the craziness of her blurry mind.

By the time she reached Will's building, June had fallen asleep but it didn't change the slightest thing. A quick, nervous nod to the doorman and she stepped into the lobby. Her high heels resounded loud on the marble floor, quick and incisive. It made her smile. She was heading back to her references.

The doors of the elevator opened and she pressed the button to the ninth floor. The corridor was quiet, logically enough at this hour of the night. She made a few steps forward and stopped, staring at the door she had pushed so many times in the past.

She had hoped a lot; too much perhaps.

Her hands let go of the stroller, slowly like in a bad dream. June moved a little but didn't wake up. From the heights of her stilettos, Karen looked down at her daughter, blinked before her blank feelings.

She did love her, didn't she? She had to. It was the way things were supposed to be. Then why did she not feel the least thing right now?

For whatever reason, her plan failed at this exact moment. In a mechanical gesture, she grabbed back the stroller and stepped into the elevators. She didn't look at the doorman though and rushed down on the left to the intersection with the street.

She didn't bother to turn the lights of her flat on. Putting back the stroller on a corner of the living-room, she approached her hand towards June's face but stopped in the last seconds and decided to let her there. Anyway it was a crib and she was sleeping now; peacefully.

She took off her high heels, abandoned her clothes on the floor and stepped into her bed; closed her eyes. The blanket was cold against her skin. She rolled on her side.

And then she understood the emptiness of her heart: someone was missing by her side.


	17. February 2008

February 2008:

"Excuse me. I'm really sorry for that…"

In a barely contained anger, she snapped her cell phone off and threw it in her bag before looking back at the man sat in front of her. She flashed him a bright smile apologetically. It worked, it always did anyway; no mattered the degree of insincerity of it.

She felt bad, guilty towards him.

"So do you like going to the movies?"

A question; she took a deep breath and tried to sound enthusiastic. She had to, matter of pure politeness. She had accepted the date so she just couldn't go backwards now. It was too late.

"Sure, I do. Unfortunately for quite a while now I feel like I got a season ticket for Disney movies but I keep my hopes alive to catch back all the other ones that aren't princess-related."

It wasn't entirely true but she didn't want to face the eventuality of him asking her out for a movie date later in the week; at some point in the month. It was only eight in the evening and all she had in mind was to come back home and yell at Will that one more time, he had ruined her date.

He hadn't, to be completely honest. She had ruined it by herself because she had never wanted it in the first place. She was with Will. They had a child together and she was in love with him. The only problem was that they still kept their relation secretive. They had waited for too long now. Jack and Grace would take it very badly.

So they kept on pretending, ridiculously enough; taking advantage of lonely people whose intentions were way too fair in comparison with theirs. Jeff was a friend of Grace so almost naturally, she had said yes when she had been asked for a date.

"And what is your favorite movie?"

Karen shrugged, a bit disarmed; not very interested.

"I don't know. There are so many… What is yours?"

Sometimes she wondered whom she hurt the most while going on those blind, dead-end dates: Will or herself? The time was passing by and the situation was getting more and more on their nerves. And they had argued, one more time, that night. Only an hour and a half had flown away but yet she couldn't even remember the reason of their fight.

They were just desperately trying to cope with the accumulated tension and the frustration left by the silence of their story.

But why did he keep on calling her now? Her anger had reached such a point that she could barely breathe, even less concentrate on Jeff and his movie allusions.

"Oh would you excuse me? I have to take this call. It's my boss."

Karen nodded a bit too quickly. She added a smile not to sound too happy by his unexpected absence. He left; she looked at the room, sighed.

One, two, three; she grabbed her cell phone and growled, disappointed before her own abdication to turn it on again and check, for whatever reason, Will's calls.

_"You have eight messages."_

"What the fuck…"

Some people would say that it had been her instinct that had guided her to listen to them that evening but she didn't like those so-called symbolisms. Life was a series of fact and there was nothing else to analyze. It was about adaptation _ or not _ and then you dealt with that.

But she nonetheless decided to know why Will had kept on calling. She simply couldn't deny it.

She must have stood up too quickly because her chair made some noise and everyone looked at her, half-surprised and worried. She grabbed her bag and headed towards the door. Her vision was blurry. She wasn't crying, just panicked.

"You're forgetting your coat…"

She didn't even notice the waiter's remark and jumped into a cab as soon as she stepped on the sidewalk. She would send a message to Jeff later; eventually call him if she was in full capacity to do so. For the moment she just didn't know if she was supposed to burst into tears or stay perfectly still as if her least movement could have a fatal influence on the rest of the evening.

The journey didn't seem to last forever. Anyway she was just off, completely out of reality. Lost in her mind she was trying to calm her nerves before the dense traffic; and Will's words. As much as his voice had been soft enough, she still had recognized a hint of bare panic in it.

She finally reached the hospital and rushed in. Saturday evening in New York City; the emergency room was a mess, a pure chaos of cries and exasperated, exhausted sighs.

"Excuse me… I'm looking for Will Truman. Well, I mean I want to see June Walker Truman. She's my daughter and she's been… I got this call and apparently she's here. She fell down and cracked her head. She's five years old."

The nurse frowned, blinked but didn't move for what looked like an eternity. She finally turned around and began to rummage through a dozen sheets of paper.

"Hmm… One second, please…"

"Karen!"

At the sound of her name, Karen jumped and turned around immediately. Her heart stopped beating, the world turned mute but she started walking though; towards Will.

"Oh my God, honey… My baby…"

She grabbed June from his arms and hugged her tightly, swallowing back the tears of relief to see her daughter alive; strangely calm though.

"What happened? I came as soon as I could. I… I had turned off my phone, I'm so sorry. Oh sweetie… I love you, honey."

Through the thousand kisses she was leaving on June's head, Will's voice came to her softly; reassuringly. Her heart warmed up all of a sudden.

"She was jumping on her bed. She fell down and hit against the corner of the shelves. She got stitches… But she's fine now. I'm sorry, I didn't want you to freak out but I called you on our way here and I didn't know how she was yet. She was bleeding pretty badly."

Instinctively Karen turned her daughter's head and looked at the injury but didn't dare to touch it. She planted a last kiss on a quiet June's cheek then plunged in Will's arms; closed her eyes.

"Karen…"

"Let's just go back home, honey…"

All she wanted to do was to forget their argument, June's injury; the whole evening.

They stepped out of the hospital after signing the required papers then hailed a cab.

All she wanted to do was to spend the rest of the night with her daughter and the man she loved; quietly, like any family.

She was tired of being secretive.

Still holding June tightly, Karen leaned her head on Will's shoulder as he passed his arm around her waist.

It had to come to an end, all those lies. They had to do something, tell Grace and Jack; assume their own feelings.


	18. April 2009

April 2009:

"Have you found your prince?"

"What do you mean, honey?"

"You remember when I was little…"

The remark made Karen smile since June was only six years old but before her daughter's seriousness she remained quiet and let her go on.

"There was this book, 'The Princess who was never happy'. She reminded me of you. She kept on meeting princes but none of them was the good one. And so she spent her nights crying for being so lonely. Are you still like her or now you're happy?"

The comment let Karen astonished. How could June come to those wonders at such a young age? She was only a little girl.

Karen frowned. Perhaps she didn't know her daughter that much at the end.

Of course she remembered the book she had read so many times, sat on the edge of June's bed. The pages were even probably worn-out now; the text kind of faded away. And then there was her own life, led in parallel but that used to look a lot like the plot of the fairy tale. As much as she had tried to protect her daughter from her confusing despair, she had obviously failed but never noticed it.

She felt so bad, now; so guilty.

"Do you think I'm sad?"

June shook her head and looked aside; her own way to end up the conversation.

"Good night, sweetie."

Karen planted a kiss on her daughter's forehead then left the bedroom slowly, troubled.

A year had passed by since their life had been turned upside down; since that morning when Jack, Grace and June had walked in on Will and her and so many things had happened since then. But all she could remember now was the lightness of her relief, this weight on her shoulders vanishing all of a sudden.

It hadn't been easy though, for anyone. Their lies had strengthened a complicated net of unbalanced bases, painful ones. Grace had gone away for a while; Jack barely spoken. She might have won Will in the process _ publically this time _ but she had lost her best friends and life wasn't that bright without them.

It had been a matter of time, a necessary adaptation before Grace and Jack coming back. She had never apologized though. She felt awkward and had preferred to remain silent. Perhaps in a couple of years when they had settled down everything again she would dare to add a comment but not now.

"Is she sleeping?"

"I turned the light off…"

"Are you tired?"

Karen shrugged while sitting down on the sofa next to Will. June's question was boiling in her head, wrapping up her heart of an odd sensation of bitterness as if she had missed out something that would have determined her whole life and now it was too late to catch it up back.

"Is everything alright, Karen? You look strange."

"I'm fine, yes. I… I don't know; it's just that…"

She frowned, swallowed back her words. A veil of timidity had taken possession of her mind and she didn't dare to say the slightest thing anymore. Will laughed softly, obviously amused by her unexpected behavior. As much as Karen was very different in the intimacy, she still wasn't introverted.

"Are you happy with me, Will? Are you happier than what you used to be before you met me?"

"I guess I wouldn't be here if it weren't the case, Karen. Now could you please tell me what's happening?"

Instinctively she looked down at her wedding ring and began to play with it. The contact with the stone was reassuring, logical enough like a goodnight kiss.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Give it a try, we never know."

That was something she loved a lot about Will. He could make the distinction and notice when she needed to be listened to; when she implicitly asked for advices. He never made fun of her by then and she felt stronger thanks to him.

"I spent so many nights swallowing back my tears not to wake up the man who was sleeping next to me. I never loved any of them and I thought it was part of how things were supposed to be. But I still decided to marry some of them; for reasons I never managed to explain, not even to myself… I felt empty but I had convinced myself that I kind of deserved it. And then you came to me."

When her hazel eyes met Will's brown ones, her heart speeded up its pace but not because of this well-known feeling she had learned to live with for quite a while now, no. It was something different, an element external to their relation; the roots of her weaknesses.

"You saved me. I was dying inside and you gave back a meaning to my existence. You stole my loneliness and made something of it, somehow... I owe you my smiles..."

The rest of her explanation got suspended in the air and she renounced to it, simply shrugged before settling back against the sofa and cuddling in Will's arms. Perplexed but touched he observed her eyes; the way they were sparkling.

"And you… Are you happy with me, Karen?"

Very slowly she passed her tongue over her lips and narrowed her eyes at nothing in particular. She grabbed Will's hand; put their intertwined fingers on her nine-month pregnant stomach.

"If it's a girl June wants us to call her April."

"Are you happy with me?"

Karen leaned her head on Will's shoulder and closed her eyes.

"The lonely princess has found her prince; end of the story."

A smile accompanied her murmur, softly.


End file.
